The Dark Lord gets a Myspace!
by admiral jaye
Summary: In a plot to destroy humanity, the bored, desperate and fearless Lord Voldemort decides to do something no dark lord has ever done before. Join Voldie and his vile companions as they engage in this typical Muggle pasttime.
1. Stupid, Muggle trinkets!

**CHAPTER ONE: **Stupid, Muggle trinket!

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**AUTHORS NOTE: **I dare you to try and find purpose or comedy in this fanfiction. See, you can't.  
**DISCLAIMER:**Ah, I don't own Myspace or any of the characters, but I didn't need to tell you that.

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It was a usual day at the Death Eaters penthouse apartment in London. Black cloaks lay on their usual hooks, black shoes lay on the black "dark mark edition" welcome mat, and cold laughter rested within all of their black hearts. Voldemort looked up, quite alert. "We're going to take over the world and rid it of it's unplesantries."

"Again, master?" retorted McNair.

"Yes, McNair..again." Voldemort said, with a smirk. "Now, listen up…"

Everyone was alert.

"For most of my reign we have been going after Potter – " murmurs of approval rung throughout the room " but I can't go after him forever. See, I have a theory. If I leave Potter alone, Potter will leave me alone. I shant instigate him, what good has that ever done the lot of us?"

Crabbe willingly agreed, "Not much good, sir."

"Silence!" Voldemort said, with anticipation in his eyes. "I have carefully thought this out and decided in order to gain supreme control of, well, everything I have to eliminate the unworthy… the muggles!"

"Killing the other half of the world?" laughed Snape "Master, please rethink this!"

"No, Severus! This is fool-proof."

An air of disbelief filled the room. "Wormtail, bring out the you-know-what…"

"Yes, at your command"

Wormtail rushed to the closet, pulled out a stand with a rectangular object covered in black satin cloth. He removed the cloth and lifted the top to reveal a screen and what seemed to be a pad with the alphabet and various other symbols on it. "It's a Dell Pentium processing lap top computer; all the latest in Muggle fashion."

"Eh, why do you have it, master?" echoed a voice in the crowd.

"Getting to know the enemy, I suppose."

"Really, Tom, this is absurd. You cannot bringdown mankind with a Dell Laptop."

"You're quite right, Snape. You need a bit more then a Dell. That's why, my friends, I have created a Myspace profile."

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Proceed to chapter two, friends. 


	2. Lord Voldemort's blurbs

**CHAPTER 2:** LORD VOLDEMORT'S BLURBS.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Still no purpose or comedy; just for kicks.  
**DISCLAIMER: **Don't sue me; these aren't my original characters.

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All the death eaters eventually tapered off to return to their families or their evil, sinister lifestyles.

Only Voldemort remained to edit his new Myspace.

**ABOUT ME:**_**  
I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, but my friends call me Master, those who fear me don't use my name and my birth certificate says my name is Tom – I'm a middle-aged, caucasian male with nothing positive to offer the world. Honestly, what can an dark, powerful man like myself put in an About me section? It's a little questionable, don't you think, that somebody would actually want to get to know me?**_

**WHO I'D LIKE TO MEET:**_**  
If I meet you, it won't be for long. You may take my word on that.**_

_INTERESTS?_

**GENERAL:**_**  
Anything immoral, vulgar and against the rules. **_

"MOVIES? MUSIC? TELEVISION?... What is that supposed to mean?" Voldemort hissed to himself.

**STATUS:**_**Single.**_

As if the Darkest, most powerful wizard would ever require a companion!

As if a companion would ever want him!

**HERE FOR:**

"_Well" _thought Voldemort_, "I'm certainly not here for friends, serious relationships or dating and since I have no idea what it means, I might as well choose **Networking.**"_

**ORIENTATION: _Straight._**

**CHILDREN: _Love kids, but not for me._**

**HOMETOWN: _Leaving that one blank. _**

**OCCUPATION: _Terror._**

Voldemort laughed out loud as he read the next section he was supposed to fill out.

**HEROES:**

**_Harry Potter; for irony's sake._**

Once Voldemort got the basic information filled out there was only one question left to be answered: "_Where can I get one of those custom layouts? _"

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	3. A photogenic bunch

**CHAPTER THREE: **A Photogenic bunch

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **And the horrid adventure continues…sorry.  
**DISCLAIMER: **I don't take credit for stuff that's not mine.

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Lucius Malfoy was the first to answer the summons, as the dark mark burned his pale arms.

"Good, Lucius…nice to see you so suddenly."

Lucius gave a curt bow, soon to be followed by McNair, Bellatrix and Severus.

"Very well, that's enough of you."

Bellatrix gave a coy smile; private meetings with the Master were always signifigant. It either meant he was pleased with you or quite contrary. He never picked without reason – Bellatrix hoped he was pleased and by the anxiety in the eyes of the other three she could tell they hoped so just as badly.

"Wh…why have you called us?"

Voldemort stode on his heel, cape trailing behind and stopped in front of his loyal followers.

"You're a photogenic bunch."

"A what…? But, why?" Bellatrix protested.

"Myspace pictures. Come on, get together now…Severus, you take the camera."

"But…"

"No questions, Bellatrix. Smile!" said Voldemort, with a warped anticipation.

Voldemort looked but never fully smiled, Bellatrix managed a confused grin, Lucius gave a golden smile followed by positioning his 2 fingers in v-shapes – making that for infamous 'gangster' type picture, whereas McNair who never showed any emotion gave the camera his famous death stare.

"Let me see, Severus" said Lucius, trying to grab hold of the camera. "How are you going to put these things on that…screen?"

"Direction phamphlet."

"You're mad, completely mad!" McNair exclaimed, "This myspace thing is unheard of."

"Take one of just me, now." Voldemort said, throwing the camera towards the nearest death eater.

"Ok" said Lucius excitedly, "But I'm next."

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	4. Voldiepooh, we love you

**CHAPTER FOUR:** Voldie-pooh, we love you!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, keep it up.  
**DISCLAIMER: **I'm too cool for stealing characters & passing them off as my own.

Voldemort's popularity via Myspace had grown incredibly the more he became an active user. His popularity amongst his death eaters, however, was faltering. The whole entire process in itself was beyond frustrating. Nothing seemed to be going as planned – the Muggles loved him and soon he found he was swarmed with friends requests and receiving comments that said: _can't wait til the 7th book! _

"What seventh book? This is rubbish!" he said to Wormtail, throwing a quill down in frustration. Several female 'fans' even had the nerve to leave little hearts on his pictures saying _we love you, voldie! _and then proceeding to say that him and his death eater friends looked _hot _in their capes.

"Master," said Wormtail, hesitantly "I think that they think that this isn't the real Voldemort, I think…I think they think you don't exist really."

"Wormtail, do us all a favor and stop thinking."

_**Thanks for the add.**_Voldemort typed, and then clicked submit. "I'll catch them all unaware one, day. You wait and see."

"You really need to get out more. Really." Narcissa spoke from her spot on the couch, "I have an idea here. Let's get a bunch of Death Eaters together and terrorize some impure wizard bloodlines, just as we used to."

"For old times, sake!" said Mr. Zabini "I'm in."

Several other Death Eaters piped in, excited for the first time in a long time. "Are you coming, Voldemort?" inquired one of the Death Eaters hidden behind Lucius.

"You can't _plan_ an outing without my consent!" he screeched.

"With all due respect" said McNair "You've been on that…thing, 24/7. You don't even give us a turn and we're all getting restless and bloodthirsty. You're more then welcome to come, Master."

"Ohh, fine. I'll come. I'm getting a myspace error message anyway."

"Huh?" said a few.

"Nothing, just temporary maintence. Get me my robes, let's go."


	5. Repost this or die in ten minutes!

**CHAPTER FIVE:** Repost this or die in ten minutes!  
**

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks to Lavender Mansworth for the idea for this chapter. Here's more useless fiction for ya'll.  
**DISCLAIMER:** Just the very prescence of a disclaimer should clue you in that I don't claim any of it.

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Lord Voldemort, supreme ruler of Wizard-kind strode into the elegant mansion. He passed his cloak carelessly to a nearby house elf and proceeded to greet people. _Whose sodding idea was it to have a surprise birthday party for Vincent Crabbe Sr. anyway?_ Voldemort looked around to see Lucius yelling at some of the 'hired help'. _Ah_ thought Voldemort with a sneer,_ it was Lucius' idea! Makes sense, it is his mansion after all…Note to self: inflict punishment._

Voldemort mingled at the food table for a couple of minutes helping himself to a gracious platter of cocktail wieners, appetizer shrimp, a glass of sparkling cider and these peculiar things called pizza bagels. Voldemort was greatly displeased at the food choices. "Lucius" he snapped irritably "Do you think this could be anything less like a 14th birthday at the Weasley household?"

Lucius' pale cheeks flushed a bit displeased that his master was displeased. "Just try and enjoy yourself. Crabbe should be here any minute, find a hiding place."

"What?" Voldemort said, in disgust with the concept. Voldemort did nothing of the sort; he stalked off into the adjoining room, sat on a couch in the corner and pulled his laptop out from the briefcase he carried. Yes, Voldemort as of late, carried a briefcase (discretely hidden by dark as night robes). Everyone was so busy mingling that nobody paid him much mind. He looked around, shifty eyed, and when it was safe to do so he turned on the computer and logged into Myspace.

"New friends request!" he muttered excitedly. He accepted: _another victim. Yess._

Voldemort then proceeded (still cautious that someone might catch him) to read the bullitens. Voldemort had a hidden fascination with the bulletins – he was then struck with brilliance. _Let's terrorize my Myspace friends with swarms of bulletins._

He posted one after the other. The latest was one titled "BLACK". There was a series of colours to choose from which correlated with the bulletin-poster's love life. The point was to pick a colour and make it the title…therefore letting a bunch of people (who really don't care, believe me) your status. "Repost or you'll die in ten minutes!" He shouted at the monitor, a bit louder then he would have liked.

A curious death eater wanna-be looked over, Voldemort glared. The curious death eater scuttled away and Voldemort remained fumed. _Whoever posted this had some audacity!_

Nonetheless, the dark lord reposted.

He reposted sex jokes, name of favorite song (and then add penis to the end) bulletins, and his all time favorite: the COMMENT MY PICTURES! bulletins. By the time dinner was being called at Malfoy Manor, Lord Voldemort had posted at least 20 bulletins consecutively.

Unfortunatley as he was about to log-out he found several of his minions had been looking over his shoulder. "Where did you lot come from?" he said, defensively.

"Just going to dinner, you should come too Master" said one of the bolder ones.

"Alright, alright…" Voldemort relented, still upset he was caught.

Narcissa soon caught up with him, nervousness in her voice. "How has this…site…helped you to destroy Muggles?"

Voldemort authorized his evil laugh. "Oh, Narscissa you foolish woman! I'm simply accomodating myself, seeming friendly and innocent. Just you wait, soon I'm going to pretend I'm a young, attractive Muggle and try and get kids to meet me in person …and then I'll kill them."

Narcissa didn't say anything, she looked at him with disbelief as if to say _you've gone completely, and entirely mad but that's okay because I really don't have any choice but to follow you._ "There's a 6-foot sub in the other room, Master."

"Oh, goody."

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**2nd AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Anyone have an idea for something they'd like to hear? Any favourite myspace activities or quirks you'd like to read about the death eaters engaging in? I'm up for suggestions so fire away. 


	6. The infamous Top 8

**CHAPTER SIX:** The infamous Top 8.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Visit Voldie's myspace at the regular myspace addres **/ilovethedarkmark** (for some reason doesn't let me list websites in chapter posts.) Send The Dark Lord a friend's request and leave him some comments, he comments back.  
**DISCLAIMER: ** Chapter ideas courtesy of Commenters and characters courtesy of JK Rowling.

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Lord Voldemort was not only a bearer of great evil, but also remained to be quite a trend-setter. You see, it all started late one night after a particularly disfunctional Death Eater Convention. Yours Truly (Voldemort) had apparated home hung his robes and slipped off his expensive boots and walked into a nearby room only to find Dolohov and Rodolphus Lestrange at his computer.

"Hello, Master" they chorused in fear.

He gave the startled trespassers a very unplesant look. "This explains your absence from the Convention tonight. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

It was quite for a little while.

"How come we're not on your Top 8?" replied Lestrange, after a bout of awkward silence. "I mean, we've been pretty damn loyal and bloody Wormtail gets to be number one, I didn't even know he had a myspace!"

Voldemort looked at him with an icy silence and reached for his wand. "CRUCIO!"

Lestrange flinched in terrible pain, trying not to show it.

"Nobody tells the Dark Lord to rearrange his Myspace Top 8."

Dolohov remained silent in fear of punishment. "Forgive us, Master."

Lestrange didn't give up. "C'mon, atleast make me number 6! Take Snape off, you know as well as I do he's probably working for the Order."

Voldemort was loosing patience. "CRUCIO!"

Lestrange yelped as he twitched in agony, once again. It really wasn't worth it.

After one last crucio the home invaders decided it best to apparate and go their separate ways. Dolohov said he had urgent buisness to do in Knockturn Alley and Lestrange had to get back to the Wife. Voldemort was left to his solitude.

He poured himself a drink and sat to check his comments; another stupid muggle asking to have his babies…a whole bunch of bullitens about absolutley nothing signifigant to him…oh, woe was the miserable life of the Dark Lord. Perhaps it was time to try and kill Harry Potter again. Or maybe, just for fun he'd see if Harry had a Myspace and try to send him a nasty computer virus.

Voldemort relished his brillance. Yes, definatley a nasty computer virus.

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**Just a reminder for the readers:** kindly review & then add insert regular myspace address /ilovethedarkmark if you'd like.

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	7. Your Typical Survey

**BONUS CHAPTER:** Your typical Survey.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **This chapter is installed because a commenter requested a survey and I thought it was a good idea. I love Surveys. So it's a little bonus chapter for the readers who also love Surveys.  
**DISCLAIMER:** Whatever the last disclaimer said...

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**FRIEND VOLDEMORT:** insert regular myspace address** /ilovethedarkmark

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**

The Dark Lord was browsing through the bulliten page and his mouse lingered over the "post bulliten" button. He had just figured out (after many failed attempts) how to copy and paste a survey. He was staring blankly at the other person's answers unsure whether it was safe to reveal personal information of his own. He consoled himself and figured if all else failed, he would just lie. It's time people knew the real Voldemort... the survey-taking, honest Voldemort. Besides, it was quite late at night and the weather was awful...what else was he supposed to do with his night? It's not like Voldemort sleeps!

So, he sucked up his pride and erased the answers and replaced them with his own. He looked back and reviewed his masterpeice:

**Age: **I wish to keep that information private.

**Hair Color (If Any)**: I used to have hair before I was brought back to power.

**Height:** A lil over 6 ft

**Weight:** Around 110 lbs…I've been near dead for quite awhile.

**Eye Color:** Depends on my current state.

**Weakness:** I'm Voldemort, I have no weakness. (Love doesn't count, that was over in the first book)

**Health Issues: **I burn very easily in the sun.

**Favorite Color(s):** Black and green. Was that a serious question?

**Favorite Vacation Spot:** I'm quite partial to Ireland.

**Why:** Booze. Enough said.

**Where If Anywhere Would You Build A House: **I make people build houses for me.

**What Is Your Favorite Movie And Why:** What's a movie?

**What Is Your Favorite Song And Why:** Pina Coladas.

**What Song(s) Would You Play At Your Wedding**: I don't do that marriage thing.

**What Song(s) Would You Sing At Your Wedding:** None. I'd rather elope, god forbid.

**Where Would You Marry And Why: **Personally, I'm too busy killing to consider loving.

**Which Would You Drive Beat Up Truck or New BMW:** I'll apparate, thanks.

**Thoughts First Waking Up:** "I wonder if I have any new picture comments"

**Bed Time:** Never.

**Meds Your On:** I don't need meds.

**Favorite Thing To Do In The Summer: **Kill.

**Favorite TV Show: **TV is for Muggles and those of an impure nature.

**What You Wanted To Be When You Were 6 or 7:** Supreme evil ruler.

**Favorite Animal Or Animals:** Snakes.

**Favorite Actors:** What?

**Favorite Actresses:** Again...what?

**Worst Subjects In School: **Divination, I hated it.

**Strongest Subjects In School:** Potions, Care of Magical Creatures, Charms.

**Thing Most Wanted For Christmas: **I don't particularly celebrate.

** Have You Ever Had To Save Someone Before (Mouth To Mouth):** I let people die.

**Do You Like To Drink Water: Yes, it's ok.Last Time You Saw Your Doctor:** I don't see doctors.

**What For:** I make potions and cure myself.

**Your High School's Name: Hogwarts.  
**

**Most Expensive Item You Own:** Ha. Like I'd tell you?

**Which Do You Enjoy More The Rain Or Sun: **The rain.

**Do You Like Salads**: Yes, ceasear salads are my favourite.

**Favorite Video Game:** Excuse me? Don't joke like that.

**Do You Like To Play Cards Or Chess:** Chess, of course!

**What About Board Games:** Sure. Love POTC monopoly.

**Last Time You Smoked:** I don't "smoke".

**Do You Like Apples, Oranges, Or Cantaloupe: **Cantaloupe**  
**

**Number Of Times You've Been To Disneyland Or Disneyworld:** NEVER.

**Favorite Childhood Cartoon:** I don't do "cartoons".

**Favorite Thing To Look At In The Sky:** The Dark Mark.

**Most Recent Thing You Did Just Now:** This stupid questionairre, and yelled at Wormtail.

**What's The Worst Date You've Been On: **When still in Hogwarts, I was very sought after. Now? Well, it's self-explanitory.

**The Best:** Ginny Weasley. Screw satutory rape laws, we had fun in the Chamber of Secrets.

**Your Past (Last Person You Were With) Girlfriends/Boyfriends Name:** n/a.

**In The Morning Milk Or OJ:** Blood.

**In The Morning Cereal Or Granola Bar: **Granola.

He hit "post" and then hit "post bulliten".


	8. Surprise Attacks

**CHAPTER EIGHT: **Surprise attacks.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **If anyone cares, sorry for the delay in writing more. It took me awhile to come up with more myspace related things and Death Eater scenarios. Naturally the two aren't supposed to mix very well. Enjoy the pointlessness and thanks to all who reviewed so far.  
**DISCLAIMER:**If these characters were mine, I'd be famous. And seeing as none of you have heard of me…I'm not famous, so therefor these characters are not mine. Get it?

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Lord Voldemort, one hell of an evil guy, was perched on a red and white checkered tablecloth outside in the Malfoy's backyard. He had this ingenious idea that a bout of fresh air may help them come up with ideas to defeat the Order of the Pheonix, destroy impure bloodlines and satisfy their craving to defy all things moral. Narcissa graciously offered her lawn. 

Now, after careful thought…he deeply regretting this ingenious descision. He did not like the feel of the tablecloth on the grass. More so, said grass was currently irritating his crotch. He had better things to be doing, namely, checking his Myspace. He decided however, to put up a good front for the rest of the Death Eaters. After all, he is their Master and he ought to be present at every meeting, dictating every word. He pretended to listen intently.

"Let's set Gryndelows loose on a Hogsmeade weekend" butted in Crabbe.

"Crabbe, please." Insisted Bellatrix "that's absurd"

" – an insult to the inventiveness of the Death Eaters" murmured another.

"Nifflers!" exclaimed Goyle.

"What?" Dolohov retorted in shock. "Those treasure seeking creatures?"

Mr. Goyle nodded.

Lord Voldemort muttered something about unforgivable curses under his breath, but everyone heard and turned to look at him. "Master, we need your imput." _You need a lot more then that_ Voldemort thought to himself in spite.

"A surprise attack." Voldemort replied, after a few seconds of silent thought.

"Who are we going to attack?"

"Beauxbatons."

"Why?" asked Snape.

"Why not?"

"Can we attack Hogwarts instead?" another chimed in.

"- No!" Narcissa exclaimed. "I will not put my son in jeopardy."

"Plus, I'd much like to keep my job." Snape seethed.

More murmurs rung thorought the crowd of cloaked evil-doers.

"Nifflers in Beauxbatons." Crabbe whispered to Goyle.

Goyle chuckled. "They won't know what hit 'em!"

At this, Voldemort realised he didn't care about the welfare of this meeting any longer.

He apparated home, leaving several confused followers staring in response.

When the Dark Lord reached the confines of his home, he grabbed a glass of water and turned on his computer, logged into myspace and answered several myspace messages before doing the unthinkable…he preformed a Myspace search. "_You'd think I'd have more clever ways of locating my enemies"_ Voldemort said in spite of himself as he typed Harry Potter's name in the search bar.

A lot of Harry Potters came up in the results. How could Harry Potter possibly make this many Myspaces?

Was it possible that Harry Potter was a bigger myspace addict then He? If so, he couldn't allow that. Not to mention…it was going to be hard to terrorize and befriend Harry Potter if all of these Myspaces belonged to him.

"I guess I'll have to befriend them all."

So he did. One by one he "added to friend's list" and proceeded to send threatening emails.

One of Harry's Myspaces was quick to respond to the threatening messages.

"_I'm going to write to Myspace Tom and have your account deleted for harassing me."_

Voldemort was furiated. "Myspace Tom?"

By the time he was finished with replying to the email, he had made a choice. He was going to find this Myspace Tom, who apparently had power over all things myspace – and take over. He was going to find where Myspace Tom lives…a little surprise attack of his own.

And then, he supposed he should concentrate on Order of the Phoenix, and it's downfall.

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Reviews are always appriciated, especially if they come with your requests. I write best when others enjoy it so if you'd have an idea you'd find enjoyable...request it! And I'll do it...unless it's something terribly stupid, but I have faith that it won't be.

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	9. Voldemort takes action and fails!

**CHAPTER NINE: Voldemort takes action (and fails)!

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**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**This chapter has to do with the idea of Myspace Tom, but I don't believe you're allowed to incorperate real life individuals in a fanfiction story so I never actually said it was myspace Tom. So for all anyone knows Voldemort could have simply fucked up and got some random character I made up.  
**DISCLAIMER:** Hey, it's not mine. Myspace isn't nor any of JK Rowling's creations.

* * *

**_Knock, knock, knocccck! _**

The last knock must have surely rang throughout the house. Voldemort was growing weary and his fist was growing redder. **_Knock! Knock! _**

Finally a man answered the door wearing a plain white cotton t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants. Voldemort eyed the clothing in repulsion, and the man did likewise when he saw Voldemort. _What did he expect knocking on the door?_ _The girlscouts of America?_ Voldemort scowled under his breath when he caught the man's stare. _I'm the Dark Lord for crying out loud. It doesn't get much prettier then this._

"Who are you?" the cotton t-shirt wearer asked.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle. But you may call me Master."

"No, I'd rather not."

"Hm." Voldemort expected this answer. "We'll work on that. Are you the creator of all things Myspace?"

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."

"This isn't a game. If you are, I plan to take over."

"How did you find this house?" he said, suspciously.

"Map-quest."

The man laughed and Voldemort didn't quite get it.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I'm going to call the cops."

Voldemort still didn't get it. "Where is the bloody humour in that?"

The stranger shrugged and picked up a strange device from his pant pockets, pressed a few buttons which seemed to speak to him after a few ringing noises.

Voldemort bickered with the man a little bit more, and stalled as he usually did when it came to killing, conquering or getting his evil way. This was most unfortunate for him because minutes later he found himself bound with his arms behind his back, shackled with these cold metal…things. "GET OFF ME!"

He reached for his wand, but couldn't.

He put up a fight the entire way, knowing that if he only had his wand he could remove unfortunate metal shackles, destroy his kidnappers and escape into the unknown. Damn these Muggles…they needed to be destroyed for a reason.

A half hour of struggling led him to a temporary jail cell in a muggle town he never heard of. It was time to call in the outside help. He called upon the Death Eaters, hoping that whole "arm-burning gig" would still work from a Muggle cell.

Within minutes familiar faces began to appear out of nowhere and many were shocked at the sight they saw upon Apparation.

"Master?" several of them questioned.

"Just…alohamora that lock."

McNair pointed at the lock and shrugged as if to say "_This one? You sure_?"

"YES! What are you, a first year Hufflepuff? Just do it!"

He did and Voldemort was _very, very proud._

Next he summoned for another follower. "Get these off my hands."

"But, master…" Bellatrix started "how did you get…"

"Not _now_!"

Bellatrix preformed a curse to break the handcuffs and the Dark Lord reached for his wand. _Much better_ he thought contently. Several Muggles in nearby cells had been looking on. Voldemort embraced his wand, directed it towards them and shouted '_AVADA KEDAVRA!'_

After the bodies fell, Voldemort instructed the Death Eaters to preform the killing curse on any witness that might have witnessed them.

As they made their way farther into town, Voldemort decided he was being silly…he could just apparate back. If they got there by apparation, return by such a method would be just as quick and efficient. Death Eater Headquarters was a welcoming sight for our dear Dark Lord. No sooner then expected, however, he was bombarded with eager questions from his followers. _How did the most powerful Wizard of all time (second to Dumbledore, but he's dead so whatever) manage to get arrested by small town police officers? _

"I was" _coughcoughcough_ "I was…trying to take over Myspace!" He finished, definatley. "I map-quested the supposed inventor of the site, Myspace Tom. I figured my name is Tom and his name is Tom…no one would know the difference. We're both brunettes…that's beside the point."

"What _is_ the point?" asked Fenrir Greyback.

"_Leave him alone!"_ Wormtail butted in. "It was my idea."

Several groans echoed through-out the room as if it all made sense now.

"You followed his plans, again, Master?" Lucius gasped in disbelief.

"You lot haven't come up with anything.You never do. It's _always me._" Voldemort felt bitter.

"Good point" chorused a few.

"Let's have another meeting" said another.

The dismal prospect of another failed Death Eater braindstorming session was enough to make him wish he were still shackled and caged in a foreign territory. _This myspace thing is a lot more trouble then it's worth_ Voldemort grimaced. _I should never have gotten that Dell Pentium processing laptop computer. Another bright idea of Wormtail's. I must think, and I must think fast._

_I must kill Wormtail.

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_

This chapter is a bit different then all of the other ones because Voldemort isn't actually on myspace, but it is Myspace related. I figured it'd be good to break from the traditional plot for a chapter, just so it doesn't get too redundant. _Buttt_ I do need some more Myspace themed ideas, because that's the whole point of this story. _and once again...if you'd like to add the Dark Lord to your very own Myspace simply search _**"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" **_(the default name) or type in the myspace homepage_** /ilovethedarkmark** and add Volders to your friends list.

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	10. Lord Voldemort does not suck dick

**CHAPTER TEN:** Lord Voldemort does not suck dick.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Anyone victim of a myspace bulletin virus? Know anyone who posts bulletins that they didn't post themselves? That's what this chapter's about. So if you don't know what I'm talking about you may not get it, but I'm out of ideas. Anyways, sorry for the lack of update-age…I just moved into my college dorm August 23rd and been pretty distracted with various things…I'm back, though. So yes, just letting you know.  
**DISCLAIMER**: If I owned it, I wouldn't need to include one of these. But since one of these is included it's safe to say I own pretty much nothing.

* * *

Lord Voldemort does not suck dick. In fact, Lord Voldemort was utterly repulsed by the mere concept of doing so. Yet he was staring at a bulletin, which he did not post, entitled "I suck dick..8i3492!" He restarted his computer after running a quick Norton Anti-virus scan. It was still there. What is the purpose of this and how did it get here? Surely nobody had put him under the imperious curse. Such fool wouldn't have lived much longer afterwards.

He consulted Wormtail who merely shrugged and suggested he write to maintenance. Voldemort was not satisfied with this answer. Perhaps it was that wretched Myspace Tom behind this again. He was beginning to get frustrated with his Myspace.

Another "I suck dick" bulletin appeared.

Again, he did not post this.

"Change your password, Master" Suggested Mr. Goyle.

_Relatively intelligent thought, I'm impressed. _

Too bad the Dark Lord had no idea how to do that.

He sat at his compute for five unproductive minutes before deciding he'd decide what to do about this later. It was time to destroy the Order of the Phoenix headquarters – how you ask? Bear traps, that's how. Invisible bear traps set up in their safe-house which really isn't all that safe because Voldemort's clever antics figured out a way to infiltrate the system. He laughed to himself as he summoned his followers.

He refreshed the page one more time, just incase he had another profile view or blog comment.

"I suck dick….8i3492!" appeared in his bulletin list, posted by none other then himself.

"I DO NOT SUCK DICK!" Voldemort hissed, as a few Death Eaters shot him an astonished look.

"Master, we never claimed you did, " Narcissa said, half scared out of her wits. "but if you did, we'd still respect…"

"If you would listen to reason, " interjected Snape "I believe your account has been hacked."

Blank stare.

"If you're not posting these, by all means, someone else has."

"…or it could be a virus." Voldemort mused. He hated viruses. Myspace was a bad idea.

Voldemort contemplated deleting his account, but cringed at the actual thought of doing so.

An anxious Lucius Malfoy hovered over his shoulder "Can we go set those bear traps yet?"

"NO!"

His exclamatory response was greeted with a blank stare.

"Okkk, then." Lucius retreated with a look of displeasure. Lucius liked bear traps.

Voldemort sought the Help FAQ section on myspace and changed his password. He then retreated into the darkness, understandably irritated.

**---**

**Author's note: **It's nice to be back on fanfiction --- if you have any fun Dark Lord on Myspace ideas let me know.


	11. Voldemort, the Trio and Tina Titties

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: **Voldemort, The Trio and Tina Titties.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Chapter inspired by review idea from **_Geek Squared 1307_**. Thanks for the inspiration. With no further hesitation…the chapter.**  
JUST KIDDING, DISCLAIMER FIRST:** If you sue me, I'll sue you for unrightfully suing me.

* * *

Hermione Granger sat perched on her bed at her Muggle home with a HP laptop in front of her. Two of her closest friends sat next to her. Their eyes were wide with excitement --- this was their first exposure to Muggle technology. Hermione found it positively amusing how they were so inquisitive. If only they had been this enthused about Transfiguration! 

"What's this do, 'Mione?" Ron asked with a mouthful of cookie.

"It's the backspace button…don't touch it…no…Ron…don't..."

Ron touched it. And the text she was typing in the search engine magically disappeared.

"Ugh, Ronald Weasley!"

" 'orry 'Mione…." he took another mouthful of cookie.

Harry was just simply watching. "Show us something else!"

"Like?" Hermione paused. "Oh, I can show you myspace."

"Myspace?"

"Yes. Myspace…a place for friends."

She typed the address in the browser and a webpage loaded. Harry watched calmly and Ron stuffed the rest of the cookie in his mouth and devoted his full attention to the screen. She logged in and accessed her profile.

Harry looked dumbfounded. "What's the point?"

"Who cares?" exclaimed Ron "I want one! Hermione…let me see."

"Ron, honestly…I don't think that's such a bright idea."

"Why not?" inquired Harry. "If you have one why can't Ron?"

"Whatever, fine, fine."

She had a sneaky feeling she would regret succumbing to peer pressure. She let Ronald take over the computer and at first she wanted to smack her head against a hard surface. But eventually he got the hang of it and had managed to create a Myspace account. He opted to keep the default layout and skip directly to adding friends.

"Harry, mate…come look!"

Harry directed his attention towards the image Ron was pointing to.

"Look at these knockers!" Ron exclaimed, happily.

"Tina Titties?"

"Oh, please. That's so immature!" interjected Hermione.

"They're nice. 'Mione, do you think she'll accept if I add her to my friends list?"

"Probably. She looks like she'd accept just about anybody."

Harry nodded in agreement. "Hey who's that?" he asked Ron.

"Oh…says here that it's Shelby Shagmerough."

"Friend her." Harry offered as he looked at the default picture, which basically consisted of a girl wearing leather boots, a low cut top and very revealing shorts.

"You both make me sick."

As Ron was adding Shelby to his myspace friends, Harry noted something peculiar about Shelby Shagmerough's top friends list. Voldemort was on it.

"Is that who I think it is Ron?"

"Yes, Shelby Shagmerough. I told you mate…"

"No, Ron…number 6 on her friends list."

All three sat in silence and said "He who must not be named!" in unified realization that their sworn enemy indeed had a myspace profile. More disturbing was the fact that the one and only Lord Voldemort went out of his way to friend Shelby Shagmerough.

"Should we friend him?" asked Ron.

"No, no, no…it's probably a fraud" said Hermione reasonably.

"I don't think so, Hermione. I know the Dark Lord. I think this is legit."

"Right, Harry. So the most evil, powerful Wizard of all time has a Myspace profile? You've got to be kidding me. Least of all, he wouldn't go befriending such distasteful women."

"He's friends with Fluffy…and the Dementors." added Ron.

"Ron, that's not the point. Don't friend him."

"Friend him!" Urged Harry. "If it really is him, maybe we can keep tabs on him and find out his whereabouts before he gains ultimate power and tries to kill me again."

Ron friended him. "If it's just a fraud as you say Hermione, then it'll do me no harm."

"Ughh. Ronald Weasley!"

---

Meanwhile, in Death Eater Headquarters Voldemort received a New Friends Request alert and had to stop himself from smiling with joy. Dark Lords just don't do that… it's against the rules.

The would-be smile quickly turned into a grimace of disgust when he realized it was none other than Potter's friend that requested him. A rather dirty, redheaded individuaL. A Weasley.

"Ron Weasley (future Chudley Canon!)… what a beyond idiotic default name!"

Voldemort was alone tonight so he couldn't even discuss this insulting gesture with his useless cohorts. How would he vent?

Perhaps he would create a myspace blog. Yes, that's it. A blog.

He clicked "Post a New Blog".

Subject: _I'm Voldemort. I don't need a bloody subject._

Body:

_First off, I would like to state for the record that I'm shocked the Weasley's could afford a computer. They are lowest of low in the entire Wizarding world. I am also shocked a Weasley could manage to operate a computer, seeing as intelligence doesn't favor them either. Although, they do have a penchant for Muggle trinkets. After this hideous display I shall concentrate a lot harder on their demise, regardless. What say you to torching their house with dragon fire? Where would I even obtain a dragon? _

_I don't care. I'll find one. There are probably thousands of dragons at my disposal. I'm Lord Voldemort, I must stop forgetting my identity. I still don't know whether I should accept his friend request though._

_My dignity is obviously at stake if I do. However, I might be able to use his profile to my benefit. Perhaps he'll post pictures of him and his friends, or write blogs discussing their whereabouts. I can then attack Potter, seize him, destroy him and reign supreme. So…it's been decided that I will indeed accept the Weasel's friend request. I can play it off like I am not the real Voldemort, as if I'm just another part of the Muggle fan base. I can be a "role-player", a Voldemort impersonator. Oh, I'll fool Weasley all right. I'll fool the whole damn trio._

_Naturally, of course, I am going to make this a private blog. _

_I'm not stupid._

_I hereby declare my ultimate brilliance. I knew myspace would pull through for me._

Voldemort filled out the required fields for music (which he put _none_) mood (which he put _optimistic_), and settings which he selected as _private_. He then hit "Preview and Post" followed by a quick click on "Post blog."

Ta-da. Brilliant.

Last but not least, before signing off he accepted Ron Weasley's friend's request.

----

**Author's note part II: **Be sure to add Voldie for yourselves just as Ron did. Just type in **www . myspace . com / i love the dark mark** & send a friend's request. If that doesn't work for you search Display name as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named".

Love forever,  
admiral jaye.

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Return to Top 


	12. Greyback's got The Angles!

**CHAPTER TWELVE: **Greyback's got The Angles.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks to everyone whose been following the story! And special thanks to my lovely roommate for the idea to use the angles.  
**DISCLAIMER:** I lack the brilliance it would take to actually create and own these characters.

Fenrir Greyback and Lucius Malfoy were at the Dark Lord's place with a digital camera. In any other story this would probably be a very unusual occurance. They were taking new Myspace pictures while they anxiously awaited for the others to arrive. It was movie night at the Dark Lord's.

By definition, movie nights tended to be pleasant laughter-filled evenings. These weren't just _any_ movie nights however…these were _dark_ movie nights. A dark movie night was simply a movie night hosted by a powerful overlord in which scenes of torture were replayed and analyzed for future improvement. However, half of his comrades and Death Eaters were missing in action.

They would pay, and wouldn't get any popcorn tonight.

Voldemort was pacing angrily, looking at Greyback and Lucius with a maddening stare.

"Would you like to take a picture with us, Master?" asked Lucius.

"No. I'm not in the mood tonight."

"Then take one of us?"

"Fine" Voldemort gave in.

"Smile!" said Greyback with a growl.

Lucius immediatley grinned and flipped the bird, trying to look cool. "Do you know what would've made this picture better, Fenrir?"

"Red SOLO cups and half naked drunk chicks playing beer pong with us?" he grunted in reply.

Voldemort cast him a disapproving look and considered disowning him as a Death Eater for saying such a ridiculous statement. The elder Malfoy just sighed. "Not quite. I don't know how to properly say this to you without crossing a few boundaries…"

"Just…say it." Greyback insisted.

"Alright." Lucius took a deep breath. "You've got the myspace angles."

Voldemort piped up. "The what?"

"Myspace angles." Lucius said indignantly "Haven't you ever seen that youtube…"

Blank stares.

"…nevermind."

"What are myspace angles!" Fenrir said, getting testy.

"Generally, when one has a, well…less than fortunate looking face, sometimes taking pictures at an angle tends to help improve the attractiveness of the individual from a picture taking standpoint…" explained Lucius.

"And I have those?"

"Have you seen your pictures?"

Grunt.

The blonde wizard shoved the digital camera screen in the werewolf's face: "See here, you totally look better at an angle in this picture we just took, in comparison to the others…"

"So I have the angles?" said Fenrir.

"I'm afraid so." Lucius walked away to an adjacent couch next to a floor mirror and started to take off his shirt.

"Lucius!" exclaimed Voldemort "What the...!?"

Lucius started clicking the camera and smiling into the mirror.

"It's a classic shirtless Myspace picture! Don't tell me you don't have one of these, Master?"

Voldemort did not.

---

**Author's note part II: **Send in your ideas via review. They help and they keep me laughing. Plus…I'm sort of a review whore and they make me feel nice, and pretty much fuel the story. And again - friend Volders!!!** www . myspace . com / ilovethedarkmark **


	13. JK, JK, WTF! Peace out!

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: **JK, JK, WTF! Peace out!

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Yeahyeah, I've been gone from fanfiction for quite some time. Personal crap, mostly consisting of me being a lazy git. It's, like always, nice to be back with an update. Hope you think it's okay.  
**DISCLAIMER: **I am J.K. Rowling. JK JK JK! (Oh, that's funny).

* * *

Lord Voldemort, in all his sinister glory, was a tad bit depressed. He battled his depression with extended hours on myspace. His cunning plan to track Weasley and Potter via profile had not been going over very well. Ron never updated. So he spent all his time on Myspace, constantly refreshing and checking. No luck.

For a brief period of time, it had consumed him, and the other Death Eaters were starting to take notice. Granted, they all knew it was strange he spent time on Myspace to begin with… but this time it was different. He started to talk weird. There was one instance, reported by Mr. Zabini, which left Zabini and the rest of the Death Eaters perplexed for quite some time.

**Zabini:** Can I have a word with you, Master?

**Voldemort:** Hmm? Wats good, son?

**Zabini:** Uh, never mind.

Then came the strange bulletins with misspelled words, and the time he accidentally caught himself spelling his name: "VoLd3m0rt!"

Lucius, who was usually very spacey and tolerant of many things, was getting annoyed. They would have to host an intervention. This was ultimately decided when Voldemort told him to "Peace out." Lucius put himself in charge of this mission.

Narcissa made Apple Fritters, crumb cake and a keish and set it on a coffee table near some futons. Lucius had owled the Death Eaters several days before – all were in favor of ending the reign of Lord Voldemort's chat speak problem. They sat around, anxiously, waiting for their Master to Apparate. In order to lure him, Snape convinced The Dark Lord that Hermione Granger had been captured, and brought to Malfoy Mansion.

When the Dark Lord apparated, at last, and saw no sign of the Granger girl… he was infuriated. He looked at the Apple Fritters. The futons. Then the vast assembly of cloaked followers on said futons. He became angry.

"W-T-F?" Said Voldemort, in disgust. "I don't even like Apple Fritters."

"Sorry" Narcissa replied. "Sit down, Master?"

Voldemort was mad and demanded answers. "I demand answers. What is going on here?"

"This is an intervention." One of the death eaters spoke up.

"- Yes! For your problem."

Voldemort twitched in a spasm of anger. "Wat are u talking about? I don't abuse alcohol…"

"No. But you're giving the English Language a real arse-kicking" Snape replied, coldly.

"Say wut?"

"See! He just did it!" Mr. Goyle said, pointing.

Voldemort was confused.

Narcissa nicely explained it. "Master, you've been adopting a very Myspace-esque way of talking lately. It's very Muggle. And it bothers us and looks bad as your position of Dark Lord. You need to stop."

" Hmmm."

"Do you know what we're talking about?"

"Vaguely" The Dark Lord replied. "I will try to stop."

"We want you to go to therapy" piped up McNair.

"No 'effing way."

Snape looked annoyed. "Master…mind your chat speak or we're taking away the laptop."

"I meant: _most_ _certainly not_." Voldemort retorted, bitter at the condescending tone.

"So," Narcissa said, offering some crumb cake "We will work on this problem?"

Voldemort, not seeing another option, ate the crumb cake and agreed.

* * *

**SHOW SOME LOOOOOVE! **Think you got a good idea? Leave it in a comment and I'll try and use it for future chapters when I get around to updating. Also… friend Volders**. www . myspace . com / ilovethedarkmark  
**

Hope to hear from you guys!


	14. Ways to lose the war and die

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: **Ways to lose the war and die

**NOTE FROM NEGLIGENT AUTHOR: **It's been centuries, dear friends and people who actually are bored enough to read this. But I'm back with another pointless online escapade of one certain Mister Tom Riddle. Comments would be grand.  
**DISCLAIMER: **I created Myspace. I created Harry Potter. While I'm at it, I might as well also include that I created the world. Don't tell Tom, JK Rowling or religious people. And if you don't pick up on the obvious sarcasm, I will Avada you.

Lord Voldemort was going about his life as usual, getting ready for the final preparations for world domination. Scratch that. I'm not sure Voldemort ever wanted to dominate the world. He simply wanted to create a society that he saw fit. Lord Voldemort learned nothing from the Holocaust. He had been spending less and less time on myspace and his followers were beginning to worry that he was actually doing his job.

"Master, would you like to take some pictures with me in your bathroom mirror?" asked Narcissa pleadingly.

He gave her an intimidating glare and returned to his heaping pile of books. Narcissa gave an "I tried" look to the others in the room as she shrugged her shoulders and retreated.

"Looks like we're actually going to have to start being dark and threatening" sighed Goyle.

Crabbe shook his head in solemn agreement.

"You're such pussies." Bellatrix snorted. "You've all lost your sense of purpose."

Lord Voldemort suddenly jumped a bit in his chair, hitting his knee on the marble surface with a howl of pain. "I have a brilliant idea. Facebook!" He concluded, after a minute of severe cursing and swearing at the desk's existence.

Bellatrix cried in agony. "Can we just off people the old fashioned way?"

Voldemort got up and raised his wand to her neck "You mean like this?"

"Are you going to kill me?" She said, fearful for the first time.

Voldemort lowered his wand "No, I'm afraid not. That would give this fanfiction a somewhat serious tone."

"So..." Bellatrix reluctantly concluded "Facebook? That's for Muggle University kids."

He cut her off. "It says anyone can join, I just have to put ' no network' instead of a university email address."

So the next thing you know, the Dark Lord gets a Facebook!

After filling out his interests, books and movies sections he proceeded to friend random people. Random "victims" as he said, in hopes to justify his online profile addiction. Never once had he killed someone he friend-requested on Myspace.

He added a few pictures and became confused on the "tag" option. He accidentally tagged a stranger as Lucius, and Lucius as an oak tree.

Lucius seemed to take great offense.

"Does Hogwarts have a facebook network?" Wormtail asked.

"I'll check" Voldemort naively replied. "OF COURSE NOT."

"Hey... Hey... " piped Mr. Goyle. "Add this Honesty Box application so you know what people actually think of you! That's so neat..."

Voldemort kicked him hard with the heel of his foot. "I know exactly what people think of me, and none of it is nice."

"Maybe some girl out there thinks you're hot." Goyle continued "Maybe if you add the Matches application..."

There was no need to say anymore. Voldemort promptly deleted his facebook.

"We're not going to say any thing else of this terrible, misguided idea, do you all understand? NOTHING. SILENCE. Is that understood?"

All nodded.

Voldemort logged onto Myspace and they were glad to have him back.

Even if it meant they were probably going to lose the war and die.

**A second note from the negligent author: **It's possible some of you out here don't get this chapter because you have not yet graduated to a "facebook", but it's kind of the same concept. So I apologize to all those out of the loop. Friend Voldie on myspace as well **www . myspace . com / ilovethedarkmark. I'll** try to be less negligent with this story and all of my others. Cheers to you all for reading. Comments and suggestions are encouraged and exciting. (Please?) **And thanks to notorious secret for leaving the facebook idea in a comment.**


	15. Three Cheers to Life & Lovers

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN:** Three cheers for Life and Lovers!

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTE:**Three cheers for starting my second year of University. I know I've been a bit of a jerk in regards to never updating...& for any of you who read the 7th book (which hopefully by now, you all have) I'm ignoring/changing Voldie's fate at the end of it, otherwise this story cannot continue. Will contain spoilers, so **DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T READ DEATHLY HALLOWS.**

**Continued - **I also forgot exactly which Death Eaters died in the battle. I read the book quite quickly and several months ago. To my momentary disadvantage, my copy of the latest one is in the possession of someone I lent it to. So correct any inaccuracies.

**DISCLAIMER:** Just for the record, I own absolutely nothing. Actually that's a lie. I own plenty of things, just not anything pertaining to this fanfiction.

* * *

The Death Eaters were solemn. Nott and the elder Crabbe were sobbing over the loss of their beloved master and their reputation. Many of the Death Eaters were stung by Snape's betrayal and the personal losses they suffered.

Some were even angry at Voldemort and blamed his helpless addiction to Myspace.

"If only he hadn't spent so much time on that goddamn thing, then maybe we would've stood a fighting chance!" Narcissa sighed, sadly, as she plopped down on an easy chair in the Manor.

Most of the "meetings" now took place in the Manor. However, in their grief and trodden spirits, they usually just wound up playing Guitar Hero (which they commandeered from a Muggle household sometime within the last month).

"Who is going to take his place?" asked an unnamed, irrelevant Death Eater in the farthest right hand corner of the room, waiting anxiously for his turn to play Guitar Hero.

"No one is going to take his place!" Nott said, offensively.

They remained in awkward silence, albeit the noise of the game.

Right in the middle of a very intense verse of some 70's song, a door slams open and standing in front of them is a very pirate-esque looking figure, the rest of the deceased Death Eaters and Voldemort himself.

"Who are you?" Nott asked the strangely dressed man.

"Argh, Captain Barbosa to ye." He said in really badly written pirate-speak.

"Huh?"

The rest ignored this figure and gasped in surprise "MASTER!"

Voldemort gave the guitar in Traver's hands a quizzical glance before once more looking at the awestruck group.

The Death Eaters embraced their friends and bowed to Voldemort. "We thought you were ... well ... "

"Dead? Arghhh!" Captain Barbosa interjected.

"We went to World's End... he" Bellatrix spoke and motioned to Barbosa "brought us back from the dead. I know he has no motives for doing this, there's nothing in it for him, and this isn't a Pirates of the Caribbean: III story or crossover... but I'm not in a position to complain."

"Arghh." Barbosa said for the last time. He then disappeared from the plot, thankfully.

- - -

Life was starting to feel a bit back to normal and most everyone was glad. Wormtail had the honors of bringing The Dark Lord his beloved laptop. Voldemort scowled in

appreciation. He had grown a lot more bearable, although still insufferably coldhearted and evil at heart.

He acknowledged each one of them. Minus Snape, who was still chillin' in the afterlife for now. He then set off to his home, which he sorely missed, and logged onto Myspace.

_It's been too long._

He was surprised to see that people still left him comments, some condolences of his unfortunate loss in the Deathly Hallows. He was happy to see he had a message from his old friend, Shelby Shagmerough, from Chapter eleven.

It was a very detailed message of all the naughty things she'd do to him, when he had been alive. He felt a tingle somewhere in his body that he ignored. Death had a really shitty affect on his emotional state of being. Yes, he would admit to having several of these exchanges with Shelby in the past. But c'mon, every Lord must have a lady... right?

NO, WRONG!

Terribly, awfully wrong! But is casual cyber sex okay?

He wrote back, nonetheless.

_Shelby,_

_I am not gone or deceased any longer. And you know how I feel about all of the above, especially the handcuffs. I must regain my reputation amongst my followers and redeem myself but I think it would benefit us both to meet in person and ...Sod it, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever written. We're going to fuck and you're going to like it. Let's meet in person._

_Most Wickedly,_

_Lord VoLd3m... Erm, Voldemort._

He felt confident with his message and sent it. He began to log off myspace and look around his residence for all the familiar things he had left behind. Where to start picking up the pieces?

He would think about this after he summoned a good supper and had a decent night's rest.

* * *

**Second note –** Thanks to all those who requested the "online girlfriend" idea. I didn't want to jump right into having him "in a relationship" simply because I couldn't figure out how to write it without transitioning it. And I sincerely apologize for not finding a better way for them to resurrect themselves. Hence brief, yet terrible POTC III crossover. Leave lots of love, ideas and friends requests for Voldie!

- Jaye


	16. DEATH EATERS R US

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN: **DEATH EATERS R US

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** So, I had a 9:00 class today. Instead of going in my pajamas, I actually got ready... did my hair... makeup etc. I get to the classroom only to find out class is cancelled today because the professor lost his voice. Damn you, irony. I had nothing better to do and decided to update.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't know if these are still necessary. But incase they are... there you go.

* * *

There were several cloaked and masked Death Eaters in the parlor of Voldemort's safe house. Lucius strode in, late as usual, holding what appeared to be a large tabby cat.

"Is that necessary?" The Dark Lord asked, motioning to the feline.

"I suppose not."

"Great." Voldemort took out his wand and transfigured the cat into a very comfortable, yet furry, arm chair. "Sit. The meeting is about to start."

Mr. Malfoy seemed irked, but sat. Voldemort continued; "I've decided it's no good being alive again if I cannot intimidate the public. However, I do not trust you lot as well as I did prior to losing the war."

Several nodded, others sighed sadly.

"What are you going to do, Master?" asked McNair.

"Recruit people." Voldemort said, delightfully. "I need to build up my army before I dare reveal my not so dead identity to the Ministry."

Sinister chuckles spread contagiously throughout the room. "Same goes for you lot who died in battle as well. No one must know you are alive until the time has come. In the meantime... fetch me my laptop."

No one moved.

"FETCH ME MY LAPTOP!"

No one moved. Fenrir Greyback spoke; "Isn't that what deterred us from winning?"

Voldemort cast him a death glare "Insolent fool! Mind your mouth."

Greyback shrugged and sauntered his furry ass to the coffee table to pick up the laptop "At your command, Master."

He logged onto myspace and decided the best way to go about gaining followers would be to create a group. The more death eater connections he had via Myspace... the easier it would be. If they proved worthy, he would brand them and accept them into his cult of death eating.

"BRILLIANT, master!" several chimed in when they saw him creating the group.

As Voldemort worked his magic, he created the best group of all: DEATH EATERS R US (Recruitment Group). He hoped it turned out well, for a refreshing batch of followers could only do him good. He wondered how many aspiring Death Eaters were out there.

"That title sucks," said Greyback " and Toys R Us will probably sue you."

"CRUCIO!"

Voldemort laughed as the werewolf howled in pain. "Right on. Well, anyone up for drinking some Polyjuice potion, donning a disguise and getting some pancakes at Denny's?"

The Death Eaters eagerly agreed. Pancakes sounded swell.

* * *

**Second note – **I ended this one pretty abruptly because I had an idea for the next chapter, and was eager to start it. In other news, The Dark Lord will actually make this group on his myspace (because I have nothing else to do until noon). Leave me your brilliant ideas for myspace related adventures. I do use them, even if it takes me awhile to update. But, the next chapter after this one should be up soon! 

Lots of love,

Jaye.


	17. Breaking, Entering, Rocking & Rolling

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: **Breaking, Entering, Rocking & Rolling**  
**

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I tried Hazelnut coffee for the first time and it was delicious. You should all try some with half&half...unless you're lactose intolerant. Anyway, as promised, the pointlessness rages on...  
**DISCLAIMER:** I don't know if I've previously mentioned this, but I don't own the characters.

* * *

Lord Voldemort did not know that several of the Death Eaters were in his (safe) house. He was in Knockturn Alley taking Nagini to the vet. She seemed to be having digestive troubles. The vet was currently the only Wizard outside of his comrades to know of his re-existence. Voldemort would temporarily modify the vet's memory, just incase. 

Meanwhile... Goyle Sr., Crabbe Sr., Dolohov and Wormtail were enjoying the luxuries of breaking and entering. Dolohov, the smartest of the four, concocted a brilliant idea to log into myspace.

"Master will know" said Wormtail, fearfully.

"I'll log into my own account then."

"What? You have one?" Goyle replied, shocked and perplexed.

"Of course. I made one about a month ago. I just never get to access it... my internet is always down. I still have dial up."

Crabbe sent him a look of sympathy "That's unfortunate."

Dolohov nodded. Goyle was happily looming over his shoulder, looking at his myspace intently. "What's this myspace music thing about?"

"Don't know, I've never clicked on it. Should I?"

The others nodded, so Dolohov did.

After browsing and clicking a couple links, Goyle Sr. jumped up excitedly.

"Do you remember how amazing I was at Guitar Hero?"

"I was better" Crabbe insisted.

"Were not"

"- were to!"

Dolohov knew this could go on for longer than needed. "ENOUGH. Continue, Goyle."

"Well, I say we start our own band and put them on Myspace. We could redeem ourselves and our name since the catastrophic arse-kicking our reputations received from the war."

"Could we get attractive under-aged female groupies, too?" asked Wormtail.

"...in your case, they might have to be blind." mumbled Crabbe.

"I do like blind chicks..." Wormtail pondered. "Deal. I'll start a band with you. Can I sing?"

"NO!" they all exclaimed in horrified unison.

"I want to play the fiddle then."

"Fine" said Dolohov "I want to do the drums. I have a wicked snare drum in my attic."

"I'm singing!" Goyle insisted "and playing guitar. Crabbe, you can be the backup singer and play the bass."

"I don't have a bass."

"Oh." Goyle was downhearted, but immediately thought of an idea. "Accio Bass!"

A large fish came soaring through the air, landing on the Dark Lord's tile floor with a light thud.

"You dimwit, it's pronounced like base... not bass." Dolohov sighed, already regretting his consent to this terribly misguided band idea.

"ACCIO BASS" (This time pronounced correctly).

A bass guitar zoomed into Crabbe's hands, destroying a few valuables in the process.

"We need a name for our new,,,!" Goyle said, excitement growing with each prospect. He was interrupted, however when they heard a door unlocking and footsteps approaching... "Crap, he's coming back early!"

The four Death Eaters were immediately induced in a panicked stupor. They hurried and magically repaired the broken objects, Dolohov logged off his account, decided to discuss the band later. Then they apparated as fast as they could before the door unlocked.

Voldemort was greeted by a quiet house, just the way he liked it. He took off his cloak and went to his computer... which was a little off center from where he left it. As he sat down, he noted in the corner of his eye, something flopping on the tile floor a little ways off.

"What in the name of Salazar Slytherin is that?"

Voldemort walked towards to mysterious home invader and quickly became furious. "A FISH? WHY IS THERE A FISH ON MY FLOOR? AVADA KEDAVRA!"

--

* * *

Kindly review; your ideas are important (especially since I get stumped for ideas easily). Also, if you haven't done so ... friend Voldie... type in the regular myspace url (www. myspace . com) /ilovethedarkmark :)! 

Peace out,

Jaye


	18. Voldie can't Cope with Change

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:** Voldemort Can't Cope With Change

* * *

**AUTHORS NOTE:** Eighteenth installment of The Dark Lord Gets a Myspace! Thanks a bunch to everybody who has read and favorited and reviewed. I apologize for astounding laziness -- so, here you go, the pointlessness rages on.

**DISCLAIMER:** At this point, why even bother disclaiming it?

a) I've included 17 of these prior b) if I told you I created Harry Potter, would you believe me? You wouldn't.

End of story.

* * *

The Dark Lord had taken a leave of absence from civilized society... and by absence, we mean "dark" business in Transylvania... and by dark business, we mean crystal meth. Narcissa gathered the gang and set up an intervention when she discovered Voldemort's newfound fondness for hard drugs. He is currently two months clean and going strong. His efforts are now concentrated on destruction (and Myspace).

"We missed the _old_ you. Welcome back" said McNair, who was currently playing _Talk Dirty to Me"_ on Guitar Hero III, interrupted himself with an exclamatory: "50 note streak! Fantastic!"

Goyle cheered in support of McNair's video game success. Voldemort scowled. The Death Eaters were in the Crabbes' basement, sitting on dingy peas and carrots colored couches. The room faintly smelled of marijuana. "I told Vincent to stop smoking – told him the Crabbe family line is clean and pure. The boy is slow enough as it is." Crabbe Sr. says whenever somebody comments on the stench.

Voldemort was impatient. "Turn off that ridiculous game!" McNair continued to rock out; "CRUCIO!!" McNair flinched painfully, writhing on the floor. When the pain somewhat subsided, McNair turned the system off.

"Yes, Master. I got booed off, anyway." McNair retreated but Voldemort hadn't seemed to notice, and continued his rantings and ravings.

"Harry Potter lives and I was a complete idiot, completely mad to vacate my throne for such a time. Harry Potter is happily in love and I AM ALLOWING IT! I have been standing idly by while Potter fornicates with female Weasley, drinks firewhisky with male Weasley and spends time with the Mudblood witch. Whereas, I developed a meth addiction in Transylvania and you useless peons play Muggle trash with ruddy songs and waste your lives away in this basement like discontented American teenagers. "

"It _is_ a little absurd" a voice in the back by the carrot sofa chimed in.

"Who said that?" No one answered their Master, in fear. "Wormtail! Fetch me my laptop. Wormtail? Where are you?"

"- he's in the bathroom, Master."

"Accio, computer!" He would do it himself. In Transylvania it was especially difficult to access the internet or a computer in general. Every bone in his body was aching for the familiar experience of surfing Myspace. He could have had an orgasm at the sight of the log-in page. He hurriedly typed in the appropriate information and waiting the mandatory three seconds for everything to load.

"WHAAAAAAT?"

Crabbe and Bellatrix, nearest members, jumped in surprise, "Master?"

"Myspace..." Voldemort surveyed the vast links and clickables on the screen. Nothing was the same. He snarled at the friend status report, snickered at the subscriptions, nearly cursed the 'applications'. "Myspace... has... changed..."

"_I'm sure it's not that bad"_ said the voice by the carrot sofa.

Voldemort fetched his wand. "O RLY?" Voldemort raised his wand and aimed. "AVADA KEDAVRA."

"Luckily he was nameless." Lucius said to Zabini Sr. Zabini seemed to agree, and walked over to the fallen body with Lucius. "Who was that anyway?"

Zabini shrugged. "Think it's the plumber. Why would you hire a plumber, Crabbe? You're a bloody wizard." Crabbe shrugged.

Voldemort hurriedly showed his vile companions the changes in Myspace. The malice coursing through his body grew, he missed the old Myspace. "We must end this."

"You going to find Myspace Tom again?" asked Zabini. Bellatrix snorted, recalling the failed attempt to assassinate Myspace Tom, and could not imagine a second attempt to be a victorious feat.

"He and Harry Potter shall meet their downfall. Very soon. Bellatrix, grab my cloak, we're going to get some frozen yogurt first."

* * *

Chapter 18: complete. There will be more when I'm in the mood to write more, which I know, not a hugely promising guarantee. Tis' all I got for now. : ) Leave some reviews and friend Voldie on Myspace! You should all know the site by now & if not, it's listed in previous chapters these little end notes.


	19. VIA BLOG

**CHAPTER NINETEEN:** VIA BLOG.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Since last chapter, I've actually decided to go with the story that I do, in fact, own all Harry Potter related materials. I figured I'll be able to get away with this, undetected and convincingly. Did I fool you?! : )

**Author's note: **Hi. Me again. Missed me? I missed you all! I was feeling discontented with the path of The Dark Lord Gets a Myspace, so I decided to kind of mock myself. Whatever. Two updates! That's gotta be some sort of personal record. Review with some suggestions you'd like to see soon.

* * *

Lord Voldemort noted several things about their adventures and decided to write a Myspace blog about it.

_We (my minions and I) do the same things – day in, day out. Every chapter I am surly and because of this, someone or something dies... whether it be a plumber or a bass. If no one dies, there is always an instance where I feel the need to shout "CRUCIO." It's dramatic and painful. While I can kill a plumber, I can __**never **_destroy_ Harry Potter. That'd just be TOO good to be true. It'd be s easy to kill him, you know. Send Lucius to some lower class urban development & pay some commonplace vandal to off him in his sleep. That's how the seventh book should have ended. Oh, another thing, Guitar Hero? Honestly. We need a new game, perhaps Strip Poker. Granted, the joy in strip poker is the fact I am frighteningly pale and awkward when naked. Every adventure/chapter, whichever you prefer, I eat weird food because the author thinks it's funny when I eat bagel bites. It's not, okay? I'm lactose intolerant! I had cramps all night which interfered with my menacing appearance. The Death Eaters NEVER understand my myspace obsession, but they ALWAYS log on my account. Hello? You're rich and you're evil. Kill a muggle, steal their Mac, or fucking wear muggle clothes and go to Best Buy. The point is: there is no way I can possibly beat up Myspace Tom, or take over his bloody webpage. I have no time for his nonsense. I should write blogs more often...Great, someone is yelling "Master" really loudly from the other room... imbeciles... _

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Voldemort shouted, at Narcissa who summoned him from the other side of Crabbe's basement.

"Sorry, nevermind, just seeing if you wanted to do two-player on Guitar Hero. I'm assuming that's a no, Master."

"Correct." Voldemort resumed staring down his computer screen, and then applied pressure to the Dark Mark on his arm. Immediately the followers came into the basement, one by one. "Welcome, eaters of death. I would like to start off today's meeting with a few beers and a game of strip poker."

The collective group looked mortified, especially Fenrir, who wasn't comfortable with his body image. "You've gone mad."

Lucius was very excited. "I'll get the cards!"

The rest used a summoning charm, summoned three kegs and sat down, hoping Voldemort had a reason for this odd behavior.

_Ok. I did it. I summoned minions, kegs and playing cards. We'll play for galleons. _

_Until next time;_

_Your Master, Lord and Evil Advisor... _

_Voldemort._

* * *


	20. Voldie: PUNK'D

CHAPTER TWENTY: Of Drunken Myspace Pranks

* * *

**NOTE FROM NEGLIGENT AUTHOR:** I transferred universities... so my life lately has been a struggle to find my niche. Still working on it. However, it has led to writer's block... which also would accompany my usual spree of sheer laziness. This chapter isn't much, but I just felt the need to update. Forgive me if it sucks.

**DISCLAIMER****: **I continue to include these, on the off chance you decide to sue me for not including these. Don't be that person.

* * *

R. Lestrange, Nott Sr., Yaxley and a couple of dementors were engaging in their favorite and usual Friday night tradition: having a couple of brews at The Bloody Corridor; a favorite pub in Knockturn Alley. Several of the dementors were dancing eerily with other dark patrons

... eager to find someone drunk enough to kiss them. Nott Sr., Lestrange and Yaxley sat at the bar with the remaining dementors, drinking their shitty lives of servitude away.

"Hey, hey... you... Dementor..." Lestrange said, sloppily tapping his drinking buddy on the shoulder. The Dementor looked perplexed. "How can you drink...? Do you even have like, a face? Do you have one? Do you?"

Nott Sr. budded in, louder than he would have liked, loud enough the ghouls on the other side of the bar could hear, loud enough the author had to use caps lock. "YOU CAN'T JUST ASK THAT!"

The dementor smiled from under his cloak, "Watch" he put the beer to his mouth and slowly drank until the mug was empty. "Mmm, mmm good."

After an hour or so more of fraternizing with bar trash, and making fun of their fearless leader, Lord Voldemort, Yaxley developed a seemingly funny plan that if discovered, could lead to very painful curses. "Let's prank the Dark Lord."

The dementors chuckled, burped, and Dementor 1 (who everyone seemed to call Lewis), quickly evacuated to the bathroom to throw up. The rest eagerly listened to Yaxley.

"Well, you know how our Myspace is obsessed with Lord Voldemort, right?"

Everyone looked blankly. Lewis the Dementor (who made a speedy return) scowled "I can't believe you used the 'I swear to drunk I'm not god' joke, and changed the words to apply to this story."

Yaxley continued. "Let's make a fake myspace and hit on him! Mwuahahaha."

A chorus of "Muwhahaha" echoed the dimly lit establishment. Even the bartender couldn't resist the temptation to join in.

**TWO HOURS LATER  
**

Lord Voldemort was pondering over his latest acquisition -- an excerpt from the Quibbler that rumored his re-existence. Luckily the Quibbler was infamous for being disreputable. Voldemort would not want news of his resurgence to happen in the form of the printing press. He sat, at his computer, with some program called Microsoft Word 2003, trying to brainstorm plans for his second coming.

He contemplating walking on water, and turning water into wine, and immediately ruled it out after going to and finding out such things have already been done. Yes. It would have to involve murder. Destruction. Something on a grand scale like the wrecking of the Quiddich World Cup,

perhaps he would terrorize Gringotts.

Thinking made his brain hurt. He "x-ed" out of Microsoft Word and logged into Myspace, hoping for formulation of a plan to magically occur.

Instead he saw a "New Message!" alert on the left side of his page. It was from a really large woman, with curly black hair, possibly a slight moustache and breasts bigger than some small countries. The message read:

"saw ur myspace and your looking good. we should talk i am looking to meet new people and you seem reealy interesting and hot. how big is your penis?"

Voldemort felt a familiar bubble of disgust form in his gut, and wished he could distribute Unforgivable Curses via internet file. How dare somebody send him such ludicrous messages. He hit reply and decided to play along, however, in hopes it would yield him a chance for humiliating this strange muggle.

"I want to meet you too. I have never seen a more attractive specimen in my life."

**TWO MINUTES LATER **

... at the Lestrange's chalet, an eruption of laughter coursed throughout the room, upon receiving the Dark Lord's response.

"What a tool." Lewis said, still laughing.

* * *

Thanks for reading, everybody... despite my lack of consistent updates : )

Love,

Jaye.

* * *


	21. Dark Lord gets Surv'd

**CHAPTER 21: **Voldie Gets Surv'd.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Oh man... I'm so negligent. But I use myspace less recently so it's harder to come up with scenarios. Suggestions are great! Keep em coming, if you have 'em. Here's a quick little survey for those who have been waiting for updates on this.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own HP, and related materials. Don't believe it? Go ahead sue me. You can have the two dollars I found in my wallet yesterday. :D

* * *

Lord Voldemort logged into Myspace. He just returned from a mission to Bulgaria, trying to recruit the Durmstrang youth to the dark side. He brought cookies. Apparently rumor has it that there are cookies on the dark side. So Voldemort packed some Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies, just incase. He yielded great success. At least five new "pledges." It was more than refreshing to sit in front of his computer, viewing his page. The urge to take a survey struck. It struck hard. So, alas he filled one out:

---

What do you think of bamboo?

I find that I rarely think of bamboo. What a ridiculous thing to think about.

Who's the last person who made you mad?  
Yaxley…caught him not washing his hands after he took a piss in my bathroom.

When's the last time you went to the doctor?  
I don't go to those ...vile muggles.

Ever been to Minneapolis?  
Saw the Jonas Brothers there. :/. To kill them. I tried to kill them. I don't, you know, like that sort of thing…

Do you take good notes?  
Ha! Really!? I'm a dark lord, I'm not a school boy.

Chicken strips or a burger?  
C'mon. I'm classier than that.

What was the best movie you've seen this year?  
None. But I'm really excited to see myself in the next Harry Potter film coming out.

What is your opinion on roses?  
If you give me them, I'll crucio you. It'll be painful.

Are you at all racist?  
It's my thing. PUREBLOOD POWER!

Do you have any handmade jewelry?  
Wow, that'd be really questionable of me, wouldn't it?

What's the last thing you hid from your parents?

They're dead.

Are you obsessed with Twilight like everyone else?  
Get over yourself.

Do you own a digital camera?  
Yes, but Lucius is always borrowing it, doing sick things with it.

I almost don't want it back.

When's the last time you were extremely nervous?  
HA. As if I get nervous!

Do you like being outside?  
I enjoy the occasional short hike & picnic. Followed by torture of the innocent in a public place, like YELLOWSTONE.

Can you make a commitment & keep it?  
If it's an evil commitment. MWUAHAHA.

Would you ever want to learn how to play the piano?  
If Elton John can do it, so can Voldemort.

What kind of laundry detergent do you use?  
Ask the Death Eaters. I certainly don't do my own laundry.

What's your favorite kind of cookie?  
I'm a big fan of Oatmeal Raisin.

Where do you live?  
I can't reveal that information. Top secret.

Stars, polka dots, hearts, or stripes?  
Skulls & blood?

Lions, tigers, or bears?  
OH MY.

Do you have a big bedroom?  
It's huge.

What time is it?  
It's 5:00 somewhere…

iPod or Zune?

Ugh.

What is your favorite electronic possession?  
This here laptop. Clearly.

What's your favorite month?  
I like August. Don't know why.

When's the last time you yelled?  
Today. Wormtail is an unbelievably incompetent person.

What's the weather like outside?  
Haven't checked.

Do you enjoy Christmas time?  
I can't say I do.

What's the last thing you broke?  
It's illegal.

Do you have neat handwriting?  
Um…

Did you ever want to be a cop?  
Imagine? Mwuahahah, never. Never in my life.

Do you like the band The Cab?  
I don't know what you're talking about.

Are you a secretive person?  
Extremely. It comes with the Dark Lord thing.

Who is your favorite adult?  
Salazar Slytherin. Although he's dead.

When is the last time you cleaned something?  
Had to clean the basement out after that Death Eater/Dementor mixer I threw last night......out of control.

When's the last time you were super excited?

Whenever I'm about to make a kill, exciting stuff right there.

Do you have any posters in your bedroom?  
No. Tacky. Very tacky.

How do you feel about tea?  
I drink it from time to time.

Shorts or pants?  
I wear robes. Long, creepy, black robes.

---

& then he hit POST BULLETIN & summoned his followers. It was time to, finally, get down to business.

Maybe.

* * *

**Okayyy! There's a quick chapter for anyone who still reads. Plz, suggestions fuel the updates if they're do-able suggestions. I'd love to hear what you'd like to see. **

**Again - sorry it's been months. haha. **

**3, Jaye.  
**


End file.
